This is a much more personal blog post than I have previously written. It is born from the experience of the journey as I continue to explore the practices of Involution. And a few weeks back it surfaced front and center in conversation with a friend.
I was sharing the uncomfortable nature of allowing the life experience when that life experience manifests as anger. Over time on the journey, these feelings have ebbed and flowed and in general have diminished. Now, though, many years in and nearing the middle of life, there is a sense that maybe this isn't a path I can continue to teach about and share until I deepen my work, yet again. It's as if I feel I need to await that magical day when I do not express these less constructive feelings to be of service sharing the tools of the path of Involution, the path of self-reflection.
Hello ego, why do you wish to get in the way?
This particular morning, I was sharing the furious momma that surfaced and her raw capacity to be so bitingly unkind. And the response from my friend was "even you?" I replied promptly, "especially me." Frequently, we teach what we need to learn most, to paraphrase a teacher of mine. The deepest truth is realizing that the teacher is in fact a student first and foremost, always learning and growing from the experiences and offers of life.
You see, inside us all, are coded memories as we have already explored. We all have reflexive reactions that have served us well, at times, to navigate the vagaries of life. That doesn't mean these reactions should be cultivated. It just means that these reactions are likely what our youthful selves did to handle experiences that were beyond our control to change, or at least what our childhood self could not work with in healthy, loving, mature ways. Or, possibly the reactions were coded in childhood, because the people around us could not work with the situation at that time in healthy, loving and mature ways, so we were required to cope. The powerful thing is, we are not the dependent child any more. We are not at the mercy of the providers and caretakers of our life.
We are, in fact, the provider and caretaker of our own life.
And, we need not react from the 'inner child' though reflexive responses do sometimes get the best of us. We can now choose to respond as the mature adult self, full of capabilities, skills, love and knowingly aware of the impulse to spread love and kindness.
As we mature, the deployment of egoic reaction necessarily needs to change if we are to begin to operate from intention instead of reflex, from Heart instead of monkey mind. In fact, this change in ego is exactly what ego gets the most riled up about, so-to-speak. It will receive this as the death of itself. And then the drama in your life, my life, appears to magnify. Amplified drama is a powerful way for the ego to pull attention back to the outer world.
Have you ever turned to your inner world,
checked deeply with the Center of Your Being,
even as the outer world demonstrates chaos?
Remember that mountain, the core of which is unchanging even as the winds blow and the storms pass at the surface. That metaphor holds true and the discovery is that the very nature of your Being is unchanging at the core and is the resonance of LOVE.
What if we all anchored our attention there, at the core of our Being?
What if LOVE becomes the anchor point
for the intentional awareness of living one's life?
Sometimes, when the ego is starting to fracture, and the edges are starting to show, we are actually in deep process. It is understood that, in general, the ego thrives on assuring it's own existence. It convinces us and leads us into all kinds of convictions on it's behalf, perpetuating beliefs that assure it's survival, like my self-doubt about whether teaching is appropriate while I remain the learner as well. It's almost like the ego is a separate entity that motivates, controls and even manipulates us onward.
When it feels the experience of being seen through, cracking open and losing it's hold, the ego will often 'tantrum.' Sometimes, not always, but sometimes our 'worst' moments in the world are actually signs of growth, signs of this cracking open beyond the facade of beliefs that are in fact incomplete, mired in misunderstanding, or in some cases straight up false.
No, I am not condoning repeated yelling or use of unkind words and actions ever... but they do happen. So then what?
In those, moments when ego surfaces, are we being hypocritical? Can we be on the pathway and learn from the pathway at the same time and even teach the pathway too? Believe me, these questions are my constant companions. How can I choose to teach this material if I am still learning how to use the material myself? Is that in integrity?
Maybe these are not the right questions to ask. Instead consider this possibility. Maybe we have to be on the pathway to learn from the pathway. It's a forgone conclusion that to learn, to grow requires a way to do so. The pathway is a journey, it's a process like any other learning. When you choose to undergo surgery would you prefer the seasoned doctor or the fresh-out-of-medical-school resident? The resident wouldn't even be an option until they had enough experience to lead. Most of us choose the one with experience, if possible.
So, here I humbly offer my experience with those moments that slip out of hand, or more accurately out of monkey mind, and how to handle the aftermath.
What is playing out when the dark side has sway is a moment when the ego is expressing, loud and clear. And to be beyond ego may very well be a possibility, but in that moment, it is not the manifestation.
Yet, to be fully in Love and Compassion NOW, I am challenged to love all moments and experiences as offerings, aspects of the journey, regardless of how I show up, raging momma, or compassionate and centered. It's a form of acceptance and forgiveness compiled into one intention to rest fully into the way it is. It is a release of judgement, self-judgement and obligatory pressure of beliefs that may or may not be supportive. It is a release of should haves, could haves and what ifs. Receiving the way it is, is the only reliable way to move forward. In fact, the way it is, is, well, the way it is. Resisting the way it is creates more friction.
Sometimes, a tender moment, after the fire from a reflexive exchange cools, offers a deep connection and healing and can be a mighty powerful reminder of the human capacity for Love. Where would there be space for forgiveness and reconciliation if there is never a moment of friction or mistake?
And, just to make one more point here: this is a journey. It's easy to point to the destination. And that destination is real and possible. I have the privilege of knowing realized Beings who appear to have reached some form of a destination. However, until I am there, until you are there, choose to foster only Love for the moments the way they manifest, even if they sneak beyond Heart brain and express from monkey mind. I am told the moment of Self-actualization is always available in the NOW. The future, necessarily, does not exist yet... at least not the way we usually hold relationship to time.
Maybe there will be a day when the personality can hold the vibration of Love and gratitude for all circumstances. Until then, join me in holding the heavier moments in Love and gratitude as soon as it becomes possible. Join me in releasing judgement and assessment of the work, the pathway and of progress. Join me in continuing to receive with an open heart.
And I commit to teaching, to the best of my ability, with humility as my guide, putting the concerns of my ego in place, realizing it is trying to call me away from the expression of these life changing tools and challenging my ability or sense of worthiness for being the voice of these skills.
I surrender, instead, to the feeling I receive sharing this work. That is the feeling of LOVE, the sense of shared Heart space, possibility and the awe-inspiring potential for our collective highest and best Selves to be realized. When fears and concerns become palpable, the choice is to step in, knowingly, that the fears may be overcome and dislodged from the gripping nature of their hold.
All roads lead hOMe.
Please, walk with me.
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